Text Review: Twilight

WARNING!!! THIS REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS.

For fear of knocking over a sparkly Bee-Hive filled with Harpies...
my first review will be of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight.

First of all, I like Vampires so obviously I went into Twilight expecting to hate it. Anyway, in this a brief summary of the 'plot' (in the loosest possible sense.). Our Main character for this fantabulous journey into the mind of an idiotic teenage girl is Bella Swan who is 1 part Author Self-insert, 2 parts Mary-Sue. She starts the story driving with her mother to Phoenix Airport, with Bella winging about leaving to live with her father, Charlie (who must have got hell when he was growing up for having the last name of Swan), in Forks in Washington. When she reaches Forks Charlie is waiting for her and takes her to his house, where he has quite a surprise for her. A brand new Truck. Which for some reason Bella decides to bitch about it...why I don't know, but she spends most of her time early on in the story bitching about Forks, her truck, her father and everything else.

Finally a few chapters in she goes to high-school, being English I don't really know what that's like but Bella thinks that everyone is going to hate her, which they should, because she's different. Interestingly they all love her and every thing is all happy. Lunch time rolls around and my eye's roll back into my head through sheer boredom. Bella spots our other main character, Edward Cullen...an apparently 'perfect' boy who is 'beautiful' and spends all his time looking sulky and staring. Basically they fall in 'love', Bella nearly gets hit with a van and gets attacked by incredibly girly, sparkly Pixies with Renfield syndrome.

Why is it a bad book? Well for a number of reasons, first off it's poorly written, second the characters are utterly unlikeable, in between Bella's bitching and Edward's sulking the only really likeable character in this mess is Charlie who quite frankly deserves a bloody medal for putting up with Bella's shit! Honestly she's rude to him, she complains about the fucking truck he bought her, the little bitch from 'The greatest World of Warcraft freak out ever' is less annoying than her. Third, THE VAMPIRES SPARKLE!!! WHAT OTHER REASON DO YOU NEED!?!? More to the point, This isn't love...it just isn't. It's just lust, Edward and Bella have no relation ship beyond the purely physical! They have nothing in common! They never talk about anything!! You want romance? Spider-Man and Mary Jane Watson (admittedly a geeky example) you know he loves her but he can't tell her he's Spider-Man or she'd be in constant danger, he doesn't mean to miss their dates but he has no other choice. Edward is in love with her because he can't read her mind, probably because there's nothing fucking there! Bella is such a codependent bitch that she will side with Edward Sparkle-Pants in an argument against her father!! THIS IS JUST UNHEALTHY!!! Anyway, if I don't get murdered in my sleep by the Twistapo (Twilight fan + Nazis = humour) I'll post another review soon.

First Post!

Hello. I'm Negi-The-Vampire. Please don't be afraid to tell me if I make any spelling or grammar mistakes (but don't be a douche about it) mainly, because it's after midnight and I want to chop my keyboard in half with a fire axe.

Anyway, I plan on using this blog to critique books. So be on the lookout for those some time in the near future.